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It is not what you were thinking

It is how you are thinking.

Dealing With Marriage Infidelity



PART FOUR: This is a five part relationship series on dealing with infidelity. Infidelity is one of the most painful issues of a relationship. However, the presentations can be used in lesser issues that relationships face.

The Three Principles of Life

Our thoughts create our feelings ABOUT our life.

We all have an inner Presence of Peace.

Our conscious feeling of the Presence creates our thought IN our life.

ASK THE REV: My husband had an affair. Because of his betrayal, I have lost my trust in him. After a year of emotional turmoil I still cannot resolve this terrible pain. I want to move forward in this relationship.

What you want to do is to change the event so you can feel at peace about it. You want to change how you think about the person so you can feel loving. You are trying to forgive an event that is unforgivable. If you cannot change the event, then you are trying to love a person who has become unlovable. When someone does that which is unforgivable, we become a victim to the act of betrayal. There is no way out. We try to forget and to forgive, but how is that working for you? The thought is still there. It pops its ugly head up in the worst of moments.

Because the event is unforgivable, it makes the person unlovable. How can you love someone who has inflicted such emotional pain on you? How could he care enough about you to do that? No closure is available. You are stuck and can not move on when you cannot love someone who has proven to be unlovable.

Before we can resolve the pain we must know where it comes from. It is natural to believe your pain comes from what happened and who did it. As long as one thinks this way, they will always be a victim of what happened and will not be able to find closure to move on in their life.

There are certain truths that need to be understood to help you move on in your life. These three truths are not learned. They must be discovered. This is not something you can just read and go on to find another advice column to study. This is not about advice, it is about a solution. It is not something you learn by reading rationally. You must reread it until you discover it by consciously doing it.

The Three Truths

  1. Our feelings do not come from the event or the person.  Our feelings come from how we think about them.
  2. Within us is a Presence of Peace that will heal the pain, a Love that will bring us out of our feelings of anger and unforgiveness and a Joy that will bring us the happiness we seek.
  3. We get in touch with this Presence, not through rational thinking about the Presence, but by conscious sensing in the Presence.

Here is what you can do to discover and get in touch with the Presence.

Think about what happened and how hurt and angry you are.  Quietly admit, "When I think of about what he did and what happened I feel hurt, angry and unforgiving."

Once you have found this as true, now look back and discover the truth in saying, "Sometimes I feel more hurt, angry and unforgiving at times than at other times." Do not go further until you find this as true. Until then, you will always be a victim of what happened.

Now look back at past times to discover the moments by saying, "The mood I am in makes a difference. Sometimes when I am in a high mood, I feel less pain than when I am in a low mood." This is a fact, but it must be discovered in past personal experience, not by reading about it.

Discover the truth, that your pain is created by the way you are thinking. If the event or the person created the pain, you would always have the same pain all of the time. Yet, sometimes when you think about it, you have more pain than at other times. The Mood makes a difference. Do not go on until you have discovered this truth.

Now discover the truth by saying, "I do not have to feel pain every time I think of what happened." Knowing this is the first step to recovery from being a victim. You do not have to be a victim every time you think about what happened.

Once you find the freedom from being a victim, it is time to find closure. We cannot find this freedom by trying to make the unforgivable, forgivable or the unlovable to be lovable. We must find our healing IN the situation not ABOUT the situation. Take time and wonder to yourself, "It would be possible for me, just possible, to be in the Peace, to be loved and loving, to find Joy." You may not feel it right now, but just recognize the possibility. That becomes the light at the end of the tunnel.

Once you realize this to be true, take time each day to wonder what it feels like when you think about this event or person and you are out of touch with the Presence? Then wonder how it feels when you are in touch with this Presence within.

Spell it out, perhaps record it daily, and you will find you do not have to depend on what happens to find what you are looking for. You will not have to have things work out well for you to feel at Peace. You will find the Peace, Love and Joy you are looking for inside yourself and you will know how to do it.


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Copyright 2008-2011 Paul Edwards