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It is not what you were thinking

It is how you are thinking.

Dealing With Marriage Infidelity


ASK THE REV: Dealing with Marriage Infidelity

PART ONE: This will be a five part relationship series on dealing with infidelity. Infidelity is one of the most painful issues of a relationship. However, the presentations can be used in lesser issues that relationships face.

Over the years, as a pastor and a therapist, I have had my share of counseling on marriage infidelity issues. What I have learned comes from the Three Principles of Life. Most of the rest has been discovered from experience, not learned from books. To make this sharing understandable, it will have to come by discovering from one's own personal experience the difference the truth of the Three Principles can make in their life.

I do not try to bring the marriages together. I work to bring each one into health. If they both find this health, the marriage will succeed. One may become healthy and the other not. If so, then the healthy one must make a decision whether to stay or to leave. If they stay, they will regress to where they were. If they want to remain healthy, their choice is to leave.

The Three Principles provide a simple means for people to find Peace, Love and greater Happiness in their lives. We become aware of how our thoughts create our feelings. How consciously paying attention to the Wisdom of our inner Presence allows us to create new thoughts and actions.

A healthy person has discovered that within them lies the mechanism for healing and health. They understand the Principles, that their thoughts create their feelings about the event. Their reality is a creation of their thoughts, not the events.

They understand that within themselves lies a Presence that is not of their own doing. This Presence can be consciously, not rationally sensed. The feeling of the Presence of Peace, Love and Joy will create a thought, not ABOUT the event, but IN the event. Understanding and using these Three Principles leads to a healthy lifestyle.

This is not about an intervention. It is about understanding the underlying three independent Principles. There are no techniques. It is about moment to moment conscious perception and understanding. If one can understand how perception works, they can make their own decisions rather than depend upon someone else to intervene for them.

This approach deals with all issues, any time. The difference is in identifying the right issue. The conflicting feelings about the event are not the issues. The issue is: when we are not in the Presence, our thoughts create our feelings about the event. In this sense, no one has any anger in them. They do have angry thoughts that can pop up at any time. These negative thoughts can unwind almost immediately when something stirs up the old memory. The difference is the feeling: the Presence of Peace creates a thought IN, not ABOUT, the event.

There is no need to try to erase thoughts that create negative feelings about the event. The thoughts are transcended by the conscious feeling of the Presence. This cannot be taught.  It must be caught. That is, it must be done.

These sessions can be seen as setting boundaries. There are two ways to set up boundaries. We can set up external boundaries to get internal peace or we can get internal Peace to set up external boundaries. Advice columns try to set up external boundaries. They give good advice on what to do and say. Setting up external boundaries gives one a sense of peace of mind to think in a positive way. The problem comes when the boundary is broken by the other person. It can easily bring back the old fear, hurt and anger.

The Three Principles are about getting into the Peace to set up external boundaries. When these boundaries are broken we still remain in the Peace. We are able to make a proactive decision in the Peace, rather than a reactive one out and in our pain and anger. The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self. We will never escape the enmeshment of codependence unless we learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.

What is your most important relationship boundary? What happens if it is crossed when you are out of the Presence and feeling betrayed? What difference does it make when you are in the Peace Presence and it is crossed?

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Copyright 2008-2011 Paul Edwards