Dealing With Marriage Infidelity

PART TWO: This is a five part relationship series on dealing with infidelity. Infidelity is one of the most painful issues of a relationship. However, the presentations can be used in lesser issues that relationships face.

ASK THE REV: I have been unfaithful with my wife. It was a mistake. I promised her I will never do it again. She has lost all trust in me. I have said I am sorry, but she keeps bring it up to me. When is she going to get over it a so we can move on together?

As Dr. Phil would say, "You drove it in the ditch. Now you got to get it out!" You keep doing it until you get it out. The fact is, she will never forgive you or be able to move on until she knows you really understand her pain. Saying "I am sorry", or "I know how you are feeling." does not work, because you do not know how she is feeling.

There is one exercise that can be helpful when both of you are ready to try it. It is not a one shot solution. It might have to be done several times over different issues.

The problem here is, we have what is called separate realities. There is an event that happens to both. The event creates different thoughts that create different feelings:

+feeling = +thought --- EVENT --- thought = -feeling

You cannot know how she is feeling about the event, but you can know the feeling she has about this event when you feel the same about another. EVENT = FEELING = EVENT

Here is a possible exercise you may be able to share together if you both are seeking reconciliation. This is one of those "if you get it, you get it and if you do not, you miss it."

You need to sit down together when you both are willing to work on this issue.

You choose the topic she is dealing with such as the feeling of hurt and anger over the unfaithfulness.

You take the feeling and write out three times when you felt betrayed: one as a child, one in the past and one recently.  It can include such times with parents, teachers, best of friends, jobs, etc.

She will share times when she has been betrayed in the same way. The recent time for her is the last event.

When you are through writing them down you go first, sharing your three times.  She follows sharing her three times.

When you share your times, realize that you know how she feels because these are feelings you have had. She knows you know because these are the feelings she has had.

The next step is to wonder what difference being in the inner Presence of God's Love would make when you are out and feeling the hurt; angry and guilty about the event. Being in the Presence of Love, to love and forgive another when the event is unlovable, can bring love IN (and not ABOUT) the situation.